Tessa has a birthday 4 days after Christmas, and I have been wondering ever since hr first birthday, how I was going to integrate a birthday party for her into our world. Since she is only three (but she has two older sibs to tell her that birthdays are the shizzel) I was thinking, “Let’s just put off the party until everyone is over Christmas and ready to party again!”

So that’s what we did. I was almost ready to throw in the towel, January events were beginning to pop up, and with Joel looking at a major baby of a new career, he has extra obligations. Was I ready to dive into birthday planning? Then my sweet Tess uttered wonderful words, “I want a waffle birthday!” Yes! That’s an awesome idea! I had broken my mixer this Christmas making cut-out cookies (darn it all!) and making breakfast was something just me and my wooden spoon could handle! No pun intended. So I made the half-assed commitment of facebooking potential guests and asking them to “save the date”. Then, I worked up the verve to think about it more. It was easy, and not nearly as difficult as The Ninja Party.

Then, on a grey blustery day that I basically decided “No way am I going anywhere….. except to pick the kids up from school”. I went through my small birthday supplies box, praying that I had enough to throw a party. Yes, I had blue and pink balloons, and my trusty Target brand ‘girl’ birthday banner. Money well spent! I loved making paper flowers for Cat’s bridal shower, so I just made HUGE ones, and wired three of them together to make puffs to hang from the ceiling. I used whatever color tissue paper I had for them. I wanted it to be a breakfast theme, but it isn’t a slumber party. So when I thought of colors, I wanted to have a sunny golden yellow, some pinks (it’s a little girl’s party) and I have a linen light grassy green tablecloth that dresses up my sad dining table.

Another important factor to this party was pajamas. I set the time of the party at 9am, there was no way I could physically not be in my pj’s let alone my kids! It was perfect, kids and mom’s alike came in jammies. It made for a super cute crowd.

In my mind, a party just isn’t a good one without a lot of good food. And breakfast food is awesome. I made a big quiche, full of veggies, bacon and cheese. I cooked up little smokies. I cut up several oranges and a couple bananas. I made a blueberry buckle, and took a chance and made muffins with the batter rather than putting it in the 8″x8″ pan. They came out great. I got juice boxes and I made waffles, a double batch. I got blueberries and whip cream and real maple syrup. Coffee and tea flowed as well. Ah, it’s great to eat breakfast. I mean, that’s why Cracker Barrels exist right?

The sunshines were fun to make. I had bright yellow paper, and I traced a kiddie bowl and free-handed the rest. Eden was dying to “help”. But if I give her something that she can’t achieve to the same level as I can, she flips out. I did not let her make the pom-pom paper flowers, but I let her make some sunshines. They look so cute. I got little dowels, and some floral foam and stuck the sunshines to the dowels along with the phrases “Happy Birthday” and “Good Morning”. I made one for the table, and one for the front porch. Happy sunshines.

The birthday girl wanted a birthday waffle, so when we sang Happy Birthday she got a waffle with some whip cream to hold the candles up a bit. Besides getting a little bit shy, it was fun for all.

One of the most important things for me when I have a birthday party at home is to KEEP IT SIMPLE. When you make it over the top, it can be amazing, but is it for you or for the kid? I’m alright with it being for you, it’s pretty dang fun to coordinate thematic stuff, but don’t expect it to matter as much to the kid. I only bought food, plates and plastic ware. I had all the paper and decoration supplies at home already. That was my personal goal. Of course, I am an art teacher. But with all the other events I have thrown, I want to make sure I use what I have. I think that’s important. Or you might as well have a Chucky Cheese birthday party where they make the food and decorate for you. It’s not less expensive, unless you keep it simple.

As I said for The Ninja Party, these are little children, they remember things as being big and awesome. They remember your joy in doing it for them. Make that the most important thing. For my three-year-old Tessa, she loved wearing her jammies, eating waffles, staring up at the pretty pom-poms and people watching. She had a great day with her buddies, and by noon, it was all done. Yes.

Tessa turned three a couple days ago. She was born on the 29th of December. She’s our baby, maybe she always will be. Today she’s sprawled out on a pallet on the floor with a barf bucket nearby. Poor girl.
As Joel and I watch her grow and enjoy her beautiful personality, we shake our heads and I say,”How could we ever live without our Tessa?” I’m sure that most parents say that about their kids. Even if it was #5 or #6 that they were surprised with. That miracle baby that makes it past the birth control. How can we live without them? They teach us about ourselves, and fill in parts of the family that are missing. We’ve planned all of ours.
Each parent has their own journey. Whether they have one or 8 kids, each family has a reason to be. Ours needed a Tessa. We are very blessed by her. She gave me a chance to be a mama to a little one all over again. My big kids are all full of themselves sometimes, Tessa still needs me not to leave her alone. Her language skills are a journey that leaves me constantly amazed and entertained. The big kids don’t have patience for her some of the time, but they are totally in love with her. She is our missing piece!

I still can’t believe she’s three. It’s always and uncomfortable place to be. I’m around friends who are bopping a baby on their knee who is fussy or wiping spit up off their shoulder, or they have to stop, plop down and nurse at the drop of a hat. They are sleep deprived and taking their baby with them to social gatherings. I am past that. It’s kind of nice. But the idea of being “done” makes me sad. I just turned 35, and for me that has been a boundary. I have not held back a family I could have had, God did.

My Tessa makes me glad. She looks like me, and she’s a ham. She’s expressive, possessive, girly and independent. She’s always been a mover. She climbs and runs and pedals. She is a great companion to her sister, and I treasure these days when they play so well together. I love to brush her baby blonde hair, smiling that I have a blonde child. How’d that happen? She’s got so many beauty marks, it’s fun to sit with her and count all of them on her nose, eyes, head, arms, legs.
As I look back on pictures of her (non of them in hard copy, ain’t it a shame!) I am full of love all over again. I am so thankful for the children I have been given. She is a gift, the icing on the cake. Just when we thought we had enough to be happy, Tessa overflows our cup. Happy Birthday my sweet baby. Every Christmas, you will always be the best present I’ve ever received. You keep on giving. I love you, sweet girl.

We always convince ourselves that Christmas is something that can be simplified, but then we tell ourselves that so many things are necessary. Cookies, parties, gifts for friends and teachers, 4 gifts for each kid (four!), stocking gifts, tree, decorations, new pj’s, whew! I’m tired just typing it. For someone like me (an artisan) Christmas can be a whole new level of financial blessing. This year was a bit busier in that department. It was good. But come Christmas Eve I was crying in bed thinking of all the things I wished I had done for my kids to make Christmas more special. Now that it’s a few days later, I’m over it. Christmas is better simplified.

I had two different art/craft events the first week of December. I did well. I had a number that I asked God for. I was only $5 shy of that total at the end of the weekend. But the following weeks brought 3 more orders. I had art students to give grades too, handmade gifts to make, American Girl dolls to pretty up, shopping to do, and love and provision to give to my precious family. Christmas put me in a fog! On top of that, my husband is looking to totally change his career path, and it’s all he thinks about. It’s good, but it means with me thinking of Christmas, and he thinking of his job, it put us on two different paths most days. I thank God we didn’t fight everyday!

Eden trimming the tree

Josiah singing the Pasada song at New City’s Children’s Christmas Program

There was much joy in the things we did. Egg nog, cookies, goofy Christmas songs, Christmas programs. It was good. We also had an added blessing/ challenge of going to spend Christmas Day with more Knutsons in Florida. It just pushed the deadlines up. I decided to nix certain things and it made us decide on certain presents because we were travelling in a Toyota Camry, all five of us. I was worried it would be an extremely awful ride there and back, but it was great actually. I guess those years of screaming babies makes you think they can’t ever cope, but they do. And bribing them with ice cream helps.

Laura’s 5 layer Peppermint Cheesecake Cake. It was amazing to watch her make it! And it tasted like a dream.

Kaden and Josiah posing in front of the tree

Going to Pensecola truly was a vacation. No cleaning, no shopping, no planning ANYTHING. That really was a great gift (thanks Nate and Laura!). Salted chocolate fudge that makes you want to slap somebody, and I love my Williams Sonoma cookie stamps too

Benji, the golden-doodle, was a super playmate. He almost makes me want to have a dog. Almost. He’s really cute.

Hi Asa!

Eden and Ari

With the kids out of school, a roadtrip under our belt, and all kinds of fun things to play with, I just want to cozy up with my family and take a big.deep.breath. The busy is over and we have another whole week to get bored out of our gourd. Full of special food and lots of TV time, card games and scrambled eggs for dinner don’t sound like such a bad idea. Leaving the little mousey house on the coffee table doesn’t seem cluttered and the mass quantities of crayons and colored pencils are out 24/7. It’s a welcomed break to spend quality time with my son who is growing into a young man right before my eyes. Time for my girls to be girls and tumble, squeal and bond over their new little animal toys. I can watch movies with Joel that we’ve wanted to watch forever and have evenings to talk about nothing but the new venture we’re planning soon. It’s good. I look ahead to the spring semester and say prayers for the things I will start up again that I need supernatural help for. They seem so far away, but I really should get started. It’s all good though. The simplifying I did do for Christmas was rewarded. But the 12 days of Christmas are far from over. Here’s to a simplified but fun New Year’s Celebration! Happy 2012 everyone.

She was so proud of it because “it looks just like Ms. Guerra’s”- her art teacher.

Sweet friends

The past couple days have been harder for me in the self esteem department. I have been feeling lonely. Which seems so stupid when my head gets in the way. But my heart, it’s my heart that feels lonely. Something will just trigger my insecurities and then I shut down. I evaluate all the relationships that surround me and then I feel that none of them are working. I tell myself, “What is wrong with me? I spend time with so many wonderful friends, yet no one is around just when I need them to be!”
I was talking to a friend on the playground yesterday about how blogs, facebook, and photos we share are just slivers of our life. We show the good parts. I wanted to post a really real photo of myself even, but I chose one that wasn’t. But do we really feel like sharing the nitty gritty about the laziness we battle, or the tantrums we live through? Do we really want to show our dirty laundry off to the whole www? Would that just drive more people away?
I have a terrible time reaching out to people and putting myself out there. I have made great progress in that area, hosting something at my house once a week. This is a big deal for me. I have started letting my guard down about spontaneous get-togethers, or asking and offering help. But still, with a house full of beautiful friends, I stay closed. The fertile ground of friendship has to be continually examined for new ways those friendships can survive things like jealously, self-loathing, pride, fear, and agenda.
I have felt that I have missed out on a get together that everyone else is at, but I’m not. I tell myself this is good, I have to work on art anyway, but my heart hurts! I just want to be wanted! What do I have to do to pursue friends correctly? I feel like I’m 16 all over again, waiting for the phone to ring to tell me where everyone is meeting. And that fear of showing up at the basketball game only to find that none of your buds are there. Maybe just your ex-boyfriend (sheesh).
How selfish of me to think “why don’t I get the phone call? What’s wrong with me?” Can’t I think of those who might be feeling the same way? Katie, get over yourself and just be the friend you want. Be that friend.

watching Trick or Treaters, originally uploaded by katiek2.

I have a great life. I have an amazing husband, I have three beautiful children that are healthy and have friends. We live in a great neighborhood, my kids go to a great school and we have a wonderful community of friends. But there is sin in the world, and things go wrong. My heart has battled with the anxiety around those things lately. The other thing that I just never fully anticipate until it leaves a bad taste in your mouth is the sting of relationship bumps. You know what I mean, a conversation is awkward, eye contact isn’t made, then other things start to happen or DON’T happen that you thought would always fall into place. Naturally. Relationships have to be cultivated right? Well what happens when you are not only responsible to cultivate your own relationships, but also ones for your child? A lot of discomfort, that’s what!

I have never felt like a champ when it comes to cultivating relationships. I should hug more, compliment more, call people, stop by, invite people over more. I should. I struggle with this, even though I am constantly surrounded with beautiful friends. I have kids, my friends have kids, they’re all going to be friends right? *sigh* that doesn’t always happen, or it’s harder than I thought.

My sweet Eden is a beautiful child, in and out. Yes, I’ve said it before, and I am aware of the cuteness factor of her freckles, clear blue eyes, and auburn hair. She’s creative, quiet, a follower and a bit of a hermit. The past few weeks she has started saying “no” more often to going out and being with people. I see her playing by herself, even though some of her favorite people are outside playing. She’ll opt to cling to me rather than run around the playground with the other girls. There have been a few hard things that have happened in Eden’s world the past few weeks, and things that will continue to change her world in the near future. I have wept over some of them. I hate seeing my daughter (who is reflecting my personality) being left out, lonely, hurt, or defeated.

How can anyone not love this amazing girl!! She’s a treasure! How can anyone decide to not want her around?! So I felt like I needed to intervene or search deep down inside of her and find what insecure place needed to be addressed. I don’t think that worked, she would get frustrated at my questions. The thing is, kids are really resilient. Eden does remember her defeats of the last weeks, but not with the same pain. And I bet by next week, she won’t mention it at all. The pain was witnessing her rejection and remembering that pain myself. Being the one on the outskirts while other girls demand attention. Eden is a nurturer, not a diva.

The little girls who have dominant personalities will have awesome lives full of passion, drive, careers, adventures, lovers. They will become famous and have life stories that will be great to read about.

The little girls who reach out to others all the time will feel the pain of others and constantly reach out with compassion. They will take care of many, take care of animals and the earth. They will teach and befriend many. They might get walked on, but they will always be surrounded by people.

My Eden will be steadfast, patient, fulfilling every need of those she serves. She will be loved deeply by the ones she lives with. She will not be outspoken, although she will have plenty to contribute. She will be smart, she will be able to make anything she gets her hands on. She will be beautiful her whole life, but simple and light of heart. She will be introspective but never depressed, because she will be satisfied with her work. She might have to work to have close friends. She might not understand sometimes why she feels lonely. I know that’s how I feel a lot. But she has something I never had, a sister. And Eden will not have my life. Praise God.

So as Eden gets older I prepare myself for tweenager-hood and later on, puberty. I hope it will stay far off. I love having her want to be with me, I hope I can encourage her to reach inside herself and fight against her comfortable independent spirit and share herself with friends who need her to be their friend. I have loved seeing what a gift Tessa is for Eden. I hope they will always be thick as thieves. I have learned from her about the joy and peace of being a child. The pain I feel for her is huge compared to her feelings. I need the peace of a child. I guess this is why I have Josiah, Eden and Tessa. And my husband, Joel. They point to the things that need God in my life. And they show me how to hope.

Right now all my kids are all playing computer games on PBS.org and giggling and huddled all together. Siblings are so important. I miss my brother!

I have the white noise of  trains rolling by, you might have frogs chirping you to sleep. You may have a sky full of stars lighting your path, I have the patterns of streetlights glowing on wet pavement. You may have wildlife that scampers around your world, I can set my watch to the  dog walkers and cats that cross back and forth from sidewalk to sidewalk. You may smell burning leaves, maybe burning garbage, where I smell the chicken factory. You may need a 4×4 vehicle to get around, where I can walk and get gourmet coffee, artisan bread, and amazing chocolate just on the way to pick my kids up from school. You have the seasons waft to and fro around you and you have no need to watch anything else, it’s amazing, God-given, consistent and beautiful. I see the work of men that labor for greatness, sometimes in tower of Babel style, reminding me that God’s way is always better. There is nothing new under the sun. The projects to improve city blocks, the design that reuses refuse and makes it beautiful, the public art, the efforts to make education more creative, the grants, the dreams, the shows, the meetings, the neighborhood watch. It all is meaningless without the knowledge that God has made so many things that contradict sometimes. That there is good and bad things everywhere. I can see God’s fingerprints in every busy thing that passes me by living in the city. 

I look forward to our trip to Helen GA this weekend. We will wind through the North GA mountains and see the colors in the trees. We will build fires and hear the quiet of being away from industry and the joy of nowhere to be. We’ll hike, pick flowers and find pretty leaves. We’ll breathe in the crispness of fall and recharge knowing that the white noise we know will be waiting for us with a rumble and hiss. I’m glad for both city and country. I hope to live in the middle of nowhere very, very soon. While I’m here, paying too much for my plot of land, I will rejoice in its beauty with my senses the best way I know how: conversations with my children and the stroke of my brush.

Great moves

There is never time to blog. There is barely time to sit and reflect. I’ve felt that there is a need to put thoughts down these days. It seems there is more internal activity in my life than external, and although it isn’t fun sometimes, it is necessary for growth and ultimately faith building.With most days just being me and Tessa, we have some quiet moments. Those times are precious, and I don’t long for times to truck her around to a daycare, pre-school, or parents morning out program. Even though I know she’d love it. We have to keep ourselves industrious though, whether it’s cleaning, groceries, or resting, those are all worthy of planned time. Tessa is approaching three years old and boy to I know it. Three is tough, at least it is for me. But it also is incredibly rewarding, her personality is really fun, and she loves being with me, and her siblings. I was concerned she would grow weary of just being with me, but she likes it, she doesn’t have to share. She finally lets me do her hair in a little spring on the top of her head. She loves dresses, and she has been seen wearing tu-tu’s ever so often because-really-who cares. She’s my little friend. She’s different from Eden, not nearly as shy. And I love that she has a whole different social group from her siblings. Tessa has friends that do not call her “Eden’s little sister”, they are in fact glad to refer to our house as “Tessa’s House”. That gives me joy, because it is likely that Tessa will be our last baby, and the fact that she can be a friend with her siblings and have that social group of her own is wonderful. She’s my sweet blonde bird.

The fall is always a bit bittersweet for me. I have missed my kids terribly while they are at school. But when I think about homeschooling, a wave of complexity washes over my brain and I take a deep breath and I sign them up for school the next year. My insides have been upside down this past month. I have felt stress like never before. And none of it is based in reality, I have been fighting the Enemy, he’s trying to paralyze me with irrational fears. God is working on me daily. Showing me that He is near me in the most trivial of ways. He also has gripped my heart over things that I would stand up to with confidence and think, “God is in control, everything will be alright.” Now I feel these prayer requests so deeply. I cry, a grieve, I get down on my knees. I also have felt the joy of those who have had prayers answered. When all those tears in prayer result in a healing, my heart feels more glad than ever. The stress seems to melt away. Also when I sing. And I have missed singing corporately for so long as we have been without a church home. Now that we meet with a small group and we do sing most of the time, I feel the difference physically. My heart is glad, and my fears fade when I sing at the top of my lungs. We had Our Clothesline Art Show a couple weeks ago. We shook things up and did it at a location (St. Elmo Fire Hall) than in someone’s home. This did alleviate some stress in getting the event ready. We made it more simple this time, and we had some new folks. I really enjoyed all the artist’s work, I thought we had a great assortment of things. I do wish we had had more people show up. I am always thankful that people will pay me for the art I make. I know I will be doing it my whole life. I felt more responsibility this time to make sure the other artists made money. Again, I was feeling anxiety and worry. At one point I had to leave because the anxiety had gotten the better of me. I trucked it up the hill and was ready to have a good cry and feel better when I ran into Juden Green. Juden had been going through health issues and had just gotten a good report from the doctor after going through some pretty miserable procedures. He was at the top of the hill giggling at me as I huffed up the hill. I was wanting to ignore anyone and just be angry. But as soon as I saw Juden, I just had to give God the glory. I felt my stress starting to fall away, and I just did what I know how to do: talk to him. I got to see the rest of Juden’s family and I was able to remind myself that anger and fear is not who I am. I was also able to praise God for good reports, and healing. He really is paying attention.I turned 35 last week. Yeah, I did. It isn’t easy to swallow, I realize their are things that I struggle with as far as vanity and I just have to let it go. I have entered a new stage of life in parenting, and as I look into the future I find myself deciding things that don’t seem as hard as they used to. Entering the work force more, not having more kids, maybe. Taking more responsibility to be available for fellowship gatherings, big ideas that my husband has, options for my kids growth beyond the basics, moving away. It’s a new chapter I feel. I love children, but I’m not the one who pines over having another little one. I want to be that person who gives that longing for children and takes it to the classroom. I want to take it to kids church. I want to get to know other people’s kids and call them my friends. I want to give the moms of young ones a place to come where they can relax and fellowship. I want to listen to Joel’s dreams and ideas and take them in, figure out where it fits in my heart and dialogue about it, without freaking out. I want to think of alternatives for my kids education, and also know that if we do the same old thing, they will do just fine. I love them, and we love Jesus, and that’s a pretty good map to follow. And with all this inner turmoil, I have doubts. I mean, I just turned 35 and I still feel 16 most days. Why am I in charge? Why do I have plan ahead? Can I just relax and not care about tomorrow? There is a point where responsibility and worry cross too often. I have reached that point too many times this fall. How I wish 35 could be the year that I find how to overcome more often. I do feel like there are things I am being taught, humility for one. I look forward to each teaching moment, discomfort is better than just waiting. Come Lord, let your Kingdom come.