I am very glad for what changes have happened in our lives since we’ve moved to Chattanooga. But today, right now, that joy has a big dark cloud over it. It’s paralyzing me from being able to function and think normal thoughts like, “Man what a beautiful day it is today” or “Yeah! I sold another pod!” All I feel is this overwhelming numbness that I have been so foolish, so irresponsible. And my future is full of questions. I can’t look past the goodness, but the faults of mine make me feel like I’ve dug a hole that I can’t crawl out of. I am saddened that I am scraping as much work as I can and still be a Mama that takes care of her kids. Joel and I have felt run over by our bills. The amount of money we have sunk into our Marietta house is just unmovable. It doesn’t matter how many birds I sell, the money is already spent and I think about taking Josiah out of his $35 a month Pre-K because minimum payments are tight these days. I cringe when I get the mail. I check my email obsessively for any distraction or the hope of an art sale. There is so many projects that have been put on my plate, so many opportunities that I have to better the world, but oh Lord, when, when will we see the light. I have this sick anger in my stomach because BCBST pays Joel peanuts!!! Nothing makes me more angry than my husband not being appreciated for what he can do. I mean, it’s our choice to go with BCBST, and the benefits are very very good, but the weeks and weeks of painful boring training is driving me crazy and I’m not even the one going through it. Joel is a trooper, but he has nothing but mediocre things to say about his trainers. My husband is so talented, so charming, he can bring people together and he has the great ability to see the most efficient and people friendly ways to do things. When, when Oh Lord will my husband find that favor? I have caught yet another scratchy throat bug, an I’m beginning to think that its just the stress that sickens me again and again. Our new house is such a blessing but I am full of fear. Home ownership is hard, my advice to anyone buying their first home is to approach it with great great awareness. The root of the word “mortgage” is death.
Needless to say I am feeling very humbled and a little panicked. All the things I have learned about money are coming to a head and I feel so weakened by it all. I know lots of people don’t share their deep dark secrets on their blogs and I’m sure that I will regret posting these thoughts, but I can’t just NOT talk about this. It’s affecting everything around me these days. I pray that I have the patience to get up at 3am for my daughter, work til midnight on art (birds at least), have gentle conversation with my husband (who is so strong), and have patience to hear others worries and thoughts. I pray to have the clarity to teach my two students and have lesson plans for them, and to be a team player while working at AVA and not be a distracted putz. And I want to apologize in advance if you happen to talk to me an I seem distant, it’s not you, it’s my very lame coping mechanism.
I need the Holy Spirit to wash over me and relieve my doubts. I need Him to remind me that I will always be taken care of. That life is not ending and He will give me great things. That in the midst of all this debt I have had more art sell and more offers for teaching and portraits than I ever thought possible. I feel I am that pilgrim with a huge bundle on my back (and holding little babies’ hands) as I walk a very steep trail. The trail is rough because of my making, but the trail is not what I created. God has set this trail in my life path to show me He is good, and strong, and that He is a Provider. He wants me to let go of the jewels and fine things and set my eyes on the necessities. Necessities like worship, partnership, parenthood, relationships (new and old), study, rest, and oddly enough every form of creativity. For one is not just creative because they can sew, paint, knit, sketch, or take awesome pictures. You are truly creative when all you think you need is far away and your God given creativity kicks in to make your every day joyful. Thanks for reading through this journey. I feel your love,