Asking Forgiveness

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Beetle Pod, in progress
I haven’t been feeling 100% great about my real time, real life job these days. I have been wanting to flee, have a vacation from the everyday. When I see the work that comes from the artists at 4 Bridges I wish that I had 6 months to work with no other distractions. It works me up to great frustration. I had a good cry about it. But after its done I remember that I have chosen a life that has many facets, and many rich wonderful things. I can’t buy snazzy clothes, or even snazzy canvases. I don’t have a day job that I can relate to the professional world, I am a mom that goes to Wal-Mart and playgrounds and the CDM. When I do have to relate to the professional world I find myself over-make upping, changing my clothes a million times, and fixing my hair over and over. Whatta crazy person I am. I drive Joel nuts. He always looks comfortable.
I have also felt very deflated about my kids and not knowing what to do with them. Feeling out of control. I have appreciated those of you out there who have told me that you feel the same way, that you’re going through the same struggles. I want very much to feel that I am not alone in the struggle of parenting, but when the fit hits the shan I want to just make the chaos stop. 8 years of marriage and 2 kids, ages 4 and 2, just seems to be alot. A lot of responsibility, and for me a lot of guilt. Guilty that I am not all things all the time. When I should be playing joyfully with my kids, I am trying to frantically email before folks come banging (literally) on my door. Instead of getting the groceries purchased before noon, I am writing checks and mailing out art show invites.
I guess life will have the natural ebb and flow of craziness. I am happy knowing that I will be in my own new house very soon, and a chunk of our debt will be paid. There will be miles to go before I sleep, but during this hub-bub I am reminding myself of the jewels I have. I am surrounded by the noise of relationship: kids, husband, parents, cat. And at 1am when I am painting the newest set of pod paintings it is quiet and I can be alone. I wake up depleated some days, but the lack of sleep is sometimes worth the mental health.
Thanks to all for your admiration, conversation and consideration as we bumped into each other at various events this weekend. I am on the mend, and I feel these exhaling posts are valuable to some of you. Be encouraged, those of you who need it. I am glad to have you reading and caring about your choices too. Blessings.
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One thought on “Asking Forgiveness

  1. Linda

    I think this seems to be the plight of all moms, never really feeling like we are quite enough, running on empty, and being humbled along the way by realizing that we are not always the patient loving mom we want to be. You are not alone. Having little bitty kids with so many needs is a season… an exhausting one that tests our selflessness but one that is so rich with gems beyond compare. I know you know that. Just wanted to say I identify with your post and I feel like that minus being a working artist. We recently had a break and came back feeling so renewed. I pray that you and your family will have a little time even if just a day to let God fill up your cup.

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