Not so Simple

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A few of you that know me in person have said to me that I am very transparent on this blog. Honestly that makes me wonder if I’m doing something wrong, like maybe I should hide to protect myself or my family from some sort of danger. I’ve gotten myself in trouble with some things I’ve said, but it all was good in the end.
I feel I have to use this blog as a journal a little bit because I would drive myself crazy keeping up with seperate places where I recall events and feelings towards them. I admit I’m feeling a buncha hormonal today and often that leads to long reflective posts that I recover from as soon as said hormones are flushed out.
As thankful as I should be for everything I have I always want to keep it real with this kind of heavier reflection. We’ve all read those blogs, or subscribe to those blogs, that make thier lives seem peachy. Lives full of great things, nice pictures, funny children, happy parties, beautifully crafted projects. Life seems like a sit-com, divided into those short segments that get worked out in a few paragraphs of description. We don’t necessarily hear/see the bad stuff. The flaws in our physique, the illness, the tantrums, the marital or financial problems, the traffic jams, the wonderlust, the dirt that surrounds the crevices of our homes. I mean really, do we want to see or hear those things? Don’t we all read blogs to kinda escape from our mundane stuff? But then, where is the community? Is it healthy to just read people’s happy stuff and compare our not-so-happy stuff to that? The real world is filthy and those of us that are housewives or have homes to take care of are always struggling with the filth. And you know I’m talking about more than actual brown dusty dirt.
We watch more TV than I’d like, we talk less than I’d like. I clean less than I should, I exersize very little. I indulge in things more than I should. I spend money I don’t have, I take short-cuts I shouldn’t, I don’t read my Bible as much as I’d like, I look in the mirror too often, I buy things thinking they will make me happy, I am too proud sometimes. I am selfish. Aren’t we all? Can I be more of a downer?
I will not go on for decades of life, marriage and parenting pretending these things aren’t bad. They are, I want to become someone I can be proud of. I’ve built up parts of myself and let other things suffer. I am a first child and have perfectionistic tendancies, but some things need to be worked on as if they can become perfect even if as sinners they never will here on earth. I need to work toward parenting like Christ who is perfect. I need to work toward being a perfect wife and love the way Christ does. And how do I react in my family when things need to be changed and I ignore it day after day? My kids and my husband are investments that take hard work and sacrifice. It hurts a lot, but the work should be above and beyond not just getting by.
This Christmas season I have been struck by things in our family that need to change ASAP. They are not at a point of urgency but really, do I want to wait that long? NO. I want to act now! They say that people that stay a healthy weight their whole life know when they’ve gained a little and change just a few things so they don’t suffer with a hard hard diet change or activity level, they just adjust to a level where they do what they need to do and eat what they know to eat. I want to take this and run with it. I want to make changes that are mildly difficult not heart-stopping. I have not been satisfied, I do not wake up pleased with myself. This is not about resolutions even though it happens to take place at the end of the year, this is about conviction.
Prayer, Healing, Confession, Worship, Discipline, for me and my whole family. Beyond the dirty bathrooms and unpacked boxes. Beyond the holiday pudge and the teeth I forgot to floss. Real inner change that effects the every day and makes the years ahead less painful because I chose to adjust now. Lord, help me to be a child that obeys your voice.

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8 thoughts on “Not so Simple

  1. Linda

    I feel ya on this one, it is definitely a fine line. At times I’ve gotten kind of personal on my blog and then felt weird because of it’s public nature. I tend to mostly use my blog for an outlet to write and post pics and give little updates and tidbits of our family’s life. However this is a very limited veiw and happy-shiny at times and obviously does not high-light the ugly or difficult things. I find, I tend to keep those struggles and private matters for conversations with people that are close to me or private journals. When I used to write about my dad I felt like my blog was too heavy and sad, it’s just hard to find a balance, and to know who all is reading. I definitely appreciate your honesty and feel like I could have written the paragraph of confessions, I identified on every one. I guess it’s just about whatever you want to make it, but I enjoy reading your’s. Sorry for the longest comment ever.

  2. I think it’s important to be genuine, no matter what goal you have with your blog. But, blogs serve all different purposes for different people- there’s no right or wrong answer here. If you want to disclose your personal thoughts and feelings, wonderful! You will draw an audience who wants to share those things with you. If they don’t like it, they’ll find one more suited to what they are looking for, be it entertainment, information, whatever.
    I (usually) try to test what I write by how I will feel when my children are old enough to read it. Would my subject matter bring them shame? Would this embarass my husband- does this build him up, or tear him down? I’ve also learned along the way that I have a tendency to indulge in negativity if I ponder serious things aloud too much- something I recognize as a sin immedietely in myself. I know when I’ve crossed the line from thoughtful examination into self pity. I think for those of us who use words to work through stuff, we just have to be good stewards of them. Know what I mean?
    I love your blog. I think it’s thoughtful and creative and gives people a good sense of who you are. People can relate to you, because you ARE real- and that is something that can be used to glorify God, which is, after all, our ultimate purpose. 🙂

  3. Emma

    Your blog is an encouragement! It helps to read someone else’s thoughts and realize, “wow! I’m not the only one that feels that way” Thank you for your courage to be honest. It’s not so easy for all of us. I tend to want to hide my dirt. I’m honored to be in your family.

  4. Thanks for this katie. Its so refreshing to hear as I deal with so much of what you’ve said above. Lately I find myself focusing too much on where I (we) need to grow and not feeling I can keep up (which I can’t). But I’ve been reminded recently by Bob, that I too need to recognize the growth that has taken place, the things God has blessed me with and be thankful for them. I tend to do one or the other, but not both. Anyway, thanks for your post, its helping me think through these things a bit more.

  5. Thanks for this katie. Its so refreshing to hear as I deal with so much of what you’ve said above. Lately I find myself focusing too much on where I (we) need to grow and not feeling I can keep up (which I can’t). But I’ve been reminded recently by Bob, that I too need to recognize the growth that has taken place, the things God has blessed me with and be thankful for them. I tend to do one or the other, but not both. Anyway, thanks for your post, its helping me think through these things a bit more.

  6. em

    cheers for this, katie! i completely relate. i also want to make changes to love the way that jesus does. my prayer is that i will hear the holy spirit when he whispers, so that he doesn’t have to yell to get my attention. thank you for what i would call your vulnerability in this blog. i appreciate it.

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