A few of you that know me in person have said to me that I am very transparent on this blog. Honestly that makes me wonder if I’m doing something wrong, like maybe I should hide to protect myself or my family from some sort of danger. I’ve gotten myself in trouble with some things I’ve said, but it all was good in the end.
I feel I have to use this blog as a journal a little bit because I would drive myself crazy keeping up with seperate places where I recall events and feelings towards them. I admit I’m feeling a buncha hormonal today and often that leads to long reflective posts that I recover from as soon as said hormones are flushed out.
As thankful as I should be for everything I have I always want to keep it real with this kind of heavier reflection. We’ve all read those blogs, or subscribe to those blogs, that make thier lives seem peachy. Lives full of great things, nice pictures, funny children, happy parties, beautifully crafted projects. Life seems like a sit-com, divided into those short segments that get worked out in a few paragraphs of description. We don’t necessarily hear/see the bad stuff. The flaws in our physique, the illness, the tantrums, the marital or financial problems, the traffic jams, the wonderlust, the dirt that surrounds the crevices of our homes. I mean really, do we want to see or hear those things? Don’t we all read blogs to kinda escape from our mundane stuff? But then, where is the community? Is it healthy to just read people’s happy stuff and compare our not-so-happy stuff to that? The real world is filthy and those of us that are housewives or have homes to take care of are always struggling with the filth. And you know I’m talking about more than actual brown dusty dirt.
We watch more TV than I’d like, we talk less than I’d like. I clean less than I should, I exersize very little. I indulge in things more than I should. I spend money I don’t have, I take short-cuts I shouldn’t, I don’t read my Bible as much as I’d like, I look in the mirror too often, I buy things thinking they will make me happy, I am too proud sometimes. I am selfish. Aren’t we all? Can I be more of a downer?
I will not go on for decades of life, marriage and parenting pretending these things aren’t bad. They are, I want to become someone I can be proud of. I’ve built up parts of myself and let other things suffer. I am a first child and have perfectionistic tendancies, but some things need to be worked on as if they can become perfect even if as sinners they never will here on earth. I need to work toward parenting like Christ who is perfect. I need to work toward being a perfect wife and love the way Christ does. And how do I react in my family when things need to be changed and I ignore it day after day? My kids and my husband are investments that take hard work and sacrifice. It hurts a lot, but the work should be above and beyond not just getting by.
This Christmas season I have been struck by things in our family that need to change ASAP. They are not at a point of urgency but really, do I want to wait that long? NO. I want to act now! They say that people that stay a healthy weight their whole life know when they’ve gained a little and change just a few things so they don’t suffer with a hard hard diet change or activity level, they just adjust to a level where they do what they need to do and eat what they know to eat. I want to take this and run with it. I want to make changes that are mildly difficult not heart-stopping. I have not been satisfied, I do not wake up pleased with myself. This is not about resolutions even though it happens to take place at the end of the year, this is about conviction.
Prayer, Healing, Confession, Worship, Discipline, for me and my whole family. Beyond the dirty bathrooms and unpacked boxes. Beyond the holiday pudge and the teeth I forgot to floss. Real inner change that effects the every day and makes the years ahead less painful because I chose to adjust now. Lord, help me to be a child that obeys your voice.