A Good Idea that Pays

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I told Cat a while ago that if I didn’t want to be a frustrated artist/mama I needed to stop taking showers, never sleep in, never go on walks by myself, etc. Because these activities get me into trouble. I spend that time whether 10 minutes or 2 hours daydreaming, thinking, trying to put together the next good idea. The next inspiration. I love the magazines that are full of great style, wonderful art and fashion, but looking at them too long makes me realize that I am getting frustrated. It’s that frustration that there is someone more talented than you are. There are lots of people more talented than me. I know many of them very well. But now my frustration is weighted by a deadline of great worth.
They are giving out money. Up to 20K for one person. Money can grow on trees but you need a kick ass idea to get a basket for that tree. I got my home from the same pot of money and now I have the opportunity to write a grant and get more money for an idea. A great big fat honkin’ awesome idea. An idea that I don’t have. Man, that makes me want to cry a little. So many of you, my blogland friends, are overflowing with great ideas. This is not how God built me. I am not really a brainstormer. I impliment, I baby step, I learn from mistakes. So far I am growing and changing my style. It’s working, I make money making art. But as I said, there are many people more talented than me. This opportunity came about the same time Lent has so I spend time that I am quiet with just God and the dark praying about the future. Can I tell them,”Look, I am talented, I am a mom, I need a financial boost to get that next big project started. Here’s what I want to paint.”
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Cat got to go to the meeting yesterday for the grant and filled me in. They are looking for something really unique. That makes me want to cry a little too. See, I really am not feeling unique. I know many of you readers are huffing that I’m down on my self right now, but this is a cut-throat business. I want to represent something amazing, powerful, techinically wonderful and current. Yet I am flawed and although I am made in God’s image I am fighting my way out of a sack of inadequacy.
When I complete a portrait, for example, I am not patting myself on the back normally. One of the first things I do is thank Jesus. Because I don’t do this by myself. I do it because God gave me the gift and I am giving it back. Doing a portrait is scary. I’m always terrified of failing.
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So what makes me worthy of money that another mother-of-two artist in the Chattanooga area is not? What can I offer that is special, unique, altering to the everyday? I don’t know, that’s why I keep praying. I tell myself that if I “just didn’t have to do _____” I would have great ideas. But that’s not how God made me either. He gave me a gift, and he gave me a family. Neither one of those things should fight each other. The approval of man is not what I live for, neither is the accumulation of money, but I do want to have an opportunity to give God glory with a new large body of work. Could that be enough?

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