I told Cat a while ago that if I didn’t want to be a frustrated artist/mama I needed to stop taking showers, never sleep in, never go on walks by myself, etc. Because these activities get me into trouble. I spend that time whether 10 minutes or 2 hours daydreaming, thinking, trying to put together the next good idea. The next inspiration. I love the magazines that are full of great style, wonderful art and fashion, but looking at them too long makes me realize that I am getting frustrated. It’s that frustration that there is someone more talented than you are. There are lots of people more talented than me. I know many of them very well. But now my frustration is weighted by a deadline of great worth.
They are giving out money. Up to 20K for one person. Money can grow on trees but you need a kick ass idea to get a basket for that tree. I got my home from the same pot of money and now I have the opportunity to write a grant and get more money for an idea. A great big fat honkin’ awesome idea. An idea that I don’t have. Man, that makes me want to cry a little. So many of you, my blogland friends, are overflowing with great ideas. This is not how God built me. I am not really a brainstormer. I impliment, I baby step, I learn from mistakes. So far I am growing and changing my style. It’s working, I make money making art. But as I said, there are many people more talented than me. This opportunity came about the same time Lent has so I spend time that I am quiet with just God and the dark praying about the future. Can I tell them,”Look, I am talented, I am a mom, I need a financial boost to get that next big project started. Here’s what I want to paint.”
Cat got to go to the meeting yesterday for the grant and filled me in. They are looking for something really unique. That makes me want to cry a little too. See, I really am not feeling unique. I know many of you readers are huffing that I’m down on my self right now, but this is a cut-throat business. I want to represent something amazing, powerful, techinically wonderful and current. Yet I am flawed and although I am made in God’s image I am fighting my way out of a sack of inadequacy.
When I complete a portrait, for example, I am not patting myself on the back normally. One of the first things I do is thank Jesus. Because I don’t do this by myself. I do it because God gave me the gift and I am giving it back. Doing a portrait is scary. I’m always terrified of failing.
So what makes me worthy of money that another mother-of-two artist in the Chattanooga area is not? What can I offer that is special, unique, altering to the everyday? I don’t know, that’s why I keep praying. I tell myself that if I “just didn’t have to do _____” I would have great ideas. But that’s not how God made me either. He gave me a gift, and he gave me a family. Neither one of those things should fight each other. The approval of man is not what I live for, neither is the accumulation of money, but I do want to have an opportunity to give God glory with a new large body of work. Could that be enough?