This photo is the opposite of heaviness. My 27lb girl soaring as high as I feel comfy pushing her on our neighborhood swings. Princess dress soaring in the breeze. What wonderful fall breezes we’ve had in the evenings! It also has made the walks to school at 7:30am much nicer too.
But for some reason my heart has felt so heavy this week. I cannot shake it. I try to drown the feeling with special outtings, dolling myself up nice, giving “helpful” advice, pouring myself into projects with my kids, hugging on them longer, sleeping more, nothing really works. I realize that God is trying to tell me something. I really have been trying to deal with different emotions by myself and have not been seeking him for the comfort and release I need. I have felt incredibly overwhelmed by not only the everyday, but large looming future things that I typically do not let bother me. Yes, I am pregnant, I cry a lot more often, but this feeling of heaviness is more than just Tessa wobbling around. In fact, her moving distracts me and reminds me of the joyful future event I have to look forward too. Maybe I’m lonely? Maybe I’m a smidge sleep deprived? Maybe the excitement of the school year has worn off and now it’s just annoying. I have just felt so weary, so inadequate, so cluttery, so impatient. I have begun pining for time to stand still a little bit.
I found a picture of Josiah and I when he was just under a year old. The smiles were so bright. Of course I got some of Josiah’s first day of school pictures printed yesterday and those smiles bring me just as much joy. I can’t rewind anything, and I wouldn’t for a second. My kids have not been the cause of my heaviness, even when I had to take Josiah, with newly skinned elbows, to school this morning and all I wanted to do was take him home with me and bandage him up. Or suffer through writing letters with him, and crying with joy because he’s improving so much. I am so thankful and full of a sense of blessing seeing my little copper-tops run down the sidewalk roaring and having adventures. Spending every day with just Eden is a blessing and a break that God knew I needed. She’s my prettiest accessory and the best snuggling partner.
I have been listening to lies that the enemy is telling me about myself. I know with confidence that God needs the gifts He's given me to accomplish His goals for the Kingdom. I know that He gives and takes away and that His love does not change. I know that the questions that keep me awake will be answered or I will have peace about it very soon. I am so thankful for a husband that's full of peace and confidence in God's purposes. He doesn't get overwhelmed by my teary moments, he doesn't treat me like I'm overly fragile.
I don't like being transparent sometimes, and I definately have the choice to NOT share these feelings on my blog. But I feel that this is important for me to remember.When the Lord shows me the next path that leads to more and more blessing and joy I will look back and say that He was teaching me simple things. Just like me sitting with Josiah patiently talking him through making S's. It seems so hard for a child. And I have to remember that's what I am too.