This morning I was thinking about my past two pregnancies and I realized there has been a running theme. I have had a pretty heavy emotional period through each one. My first pregnancy started while we were in Norway and ended just a couple months out of living in my In-laws home, not knowing where we were going to live. I was a wreck! “When Lord, when would we have what we needed to be a family?” I spent almost every morning sleeping in late and every evening trying to make art and trying to get over little things that I experienced through the day with members of my family that were living so close in proximity to me. I did alot of crying, and praying. Poor Joel.
My pregnancy with Eden I had a friendship/mentorship totally fall apart. This relationship came to a blunt confrontation (which unfortunately happened over the phone) and then that was it. These friends got divorced and entered lives that are heart-breaking and difficult. I don’t know if Joel and I are throughly over that experience. It definately has changed how we give ourselves to some folks. I cried alot, and blamed Joel for taking sides, and I could not shake the grief. This is not normal for me.
So since I blogged about my heaviness of spirit I have been working out step by step where this sadness come from. I have no large emotional trauma to pin it on, but life sure has changed alot. Some days I have to fight back tears I miss Josiah, and I want him home. And then I remember that I am still in charge of him and Joel and I are raising him up. He’s being trained to be a student by those who are talented to do so. Just like I am training young artists to learn how to see all over again.
I am trying to kick myself in the pants and get motivated. Some motivation is important, like basic cleaning, nuturing, relating to the family. My hours are booked with daily tasks, from going to and from school to squeezing in an hour to make art while Eden puts eyes, carrots and fluffy tails on bunnies. Have I told you how much I love my daughter? She makes this pregnancy such a joy! She is patient, gentle, turns off the TV, and she has the funniest little conversations with me and with herself. Eden is a blessing, and she’s beautiful. My stress level declines as I play with her hair.
My nesting intinct curbs the ambition I typically have to pursue bigger art opportunities right now. The sting I left Clothesline with has been shaken off and my confidence restored. But that sting does not give me any adrenaline to go shop myself. It takes an artsy neighborhood with a multitude of events to keep me off of the couch and a few feet over at the dining table painting something for the next event. I really should be doing that now. But I also should be cleaning my bathrooms. Time by myself at Niedlov’s with a scone and some chai is so worth it.
I’m telling myself that that lack of ambition is totally ok. Giving time to myself to sleep before 11:30pm is very unusual, but my body just says STOP. Meet the deadlines. Clean the bathroom in little sections. Twist my fingers through my daughter’s hair. Hug on Josiah a little bit longer every afternoon. Be glamorous and social when it’s convenient, not when it’s available. And say “no” and “it’s Ok” to more things than my non-pregnant nature will allow. After all, I’m almost 32, and I got a lot more life to work, live and be ambitious. Let those folks who aren’t Tessa, Eden and Josiah’s mama have a turn. I’m going to enjoy this time that I can move slowly. Thanks for loving on me everyone.