There’s something about my new life that keeps me continually going back and forth between yearning to go out, and wanting to be home. I have been out with all three kids by myself on an actual outing just once, to the library. I was a nervous wreck hoping Tessa wouldn’t wake up. I might have not been so antsy if Tessa hadn’t screamed thru Walmart the day before. Going outside seems to be the pick-me-up I need, why did I have this baby during the coldest, greyest, rainiest days of the year? Hmmm, we didn’t plan that very well.
My emotions are so intensified by these four walls I live in. And my vulnerability is so fresh the moment I leave. The tug of these two difficult emotions makes me not very easy to socialize with lately. I don’t form complete thoughts and I may just break down and cry for no reason.
I had no idea that when Tessa arrived I would miss my life with just two big kids. That is not to say that I do not LOVE my Tessa. I am again split right down the middle with the feeling that I want to stay home, do nothing but be with Tessa. The problem is that I have an almost 6 year old boy who is crazy social and active. I can’t convince him that sitting and hanging out at home is OK all the time. And my Eden loves to be at home but it breaks my heart to see her waiting to go just on some little errand saying, “Mom, when can we go?” I guess I’m such a “doer” that I’ve trained my kids to want to go go all the time too. I want to run on the playground with them, ride bikes, go to movies, these things are harder to do with a newborn. I know some of you guys think I’m nuts. Many of you have invited my kids over. Thank you thank you, I love that so much–it warms my heart, but ya know, I still miss doing it myself. See how I hate being needy?! I am, I’m nuts!! Why can’t I just enjoy this period? The thing is I do.
I stare at Tessa for long stretches of time. The big kids coo over her so much that I have to remind them she’s not a pilllow. I am so thankful for how my big kids have taken Tessa into the family without as much as a grumble. They LOVE her. And I do to. I was reminded that all the busy-ness that the world has to offer, that I feel I’m missing out on, will still be there. The hip restaurants will still be serving, the movies will still be playing, the festivals, the parties, the going out with the girls for beers, it won’t stop this winter, it’ll continue when Tessa is not nursing every 2 hours. The cold and grey will go and walks to and from school will become a welcomed errand. Tessa is a lot of work these days, and when she becomes more independant there will be other hoops to jump through. I’m being pulled by God to be selfless and change yet again. To grow into a person that is wise, kind, hospitable, hungry for God and patient. I did name my daughter Patience. Once again, I asked for it.