Growing Up and Out

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Tessa has decided to grow up this week. Waking up a few times a night, not falling asleep at every feeding, smiling and alert, cooing and talking loudly. Some of these things are very welcomed, others are getting unbearable. But thankfully, I see my girl growing, just a little. She’s still fair and slight, with petite features like a little bird. I do love seeing her huge wide mouthed grin. I don’t remember my other kids smiling this wide. I do feel those pangs about my babies growing up, but honestly when I think of the freedoms I miss I feel glad that Tessa is getting bigger. I know it’s a bit early to think these things, but I’m feeling myself lift my head up along with the buds of the flowers.
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This past week in church we were challenged during the season of Lent to learn the discipline of confession. I normally have a pretty easy time finding something that I’ve done wrong that I am ready to share with a friendly soul. This time was a little bit tougher. I sat and listened and examined myself. And the result I came up with has been very hard to want to share. I have been struggling with larger than normal amounts of jealousy. And I see how it has started to affect my comings and goings. I can be totally happy for you, but then my jealousy will come and steal away that joy and make me regress and not socialize. I want to stay in my little cocoon and not be challenged to deal with my identity and the things that I wish I had. So after realizing this, and maybe going through a day of validating why I’m allowed to be jealous I began to seek and ask God what I should do to combat these feelings. Besides confessing, I feel I need to start verbalizing and/or writing down the things in my life that I am very greatful for and would not want to replace. And then I need to invest time in listening. I’m a good talker, but listening is something I have been slow to learn. I need to be willing to not push down the feelings anymore, it only makes things worse. I also need to verbally express how happy I am at others sucesses.
So here are some things I am thankful for and would never want to replace. This is just the beginning, for I know that God will remind me of more and more.
My husband is the best, he’s the best for me, I haven’t wanted anyone else’s. Your husband might be a great man, and I’ll admit it with all confidence, but mine is for me. Hallelujah.
My kids, I have never thought,”if only they could be like…” I’m in love with all their personalities and I am proud of my resilience to discipline them even if I’m not awesome all the time. One episode of SuperNanny and I’m feeling like mother of the year. But I love how God made them, and I wouldn’t trade them for anyone else’s.
My talents. I’m so glad I am creative. I’m so glad I’m an artist and an art teacher. I know it might not be a life full of big money but I don’t care. I love it, I wouldn’t trade it for your degree or concentration anyday!
My health. We’re a healthy bunch! Praise God! We continually get the mildest strain of the bug that’s going around and I never want to lose my heart full of thankfulness for it. We don’t even wear glasses!
So I will begin to reach out, and stretch the places that are least comfortable. And I will pray that God will remind me of how He deals with me in a way that’s just for me. I hope to bless those around me with an authentic joy for their blessings, so they can know I really am happy and full of love for them. I will lift up my head and no longer stare at my short-comings, for I am blessed and won’t pout anymore.wow!.JPG

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2 thoughts on “Growing Up and Out

  1. Thanks for sharing this Katie. I share the same struggle and it’s good to read your honest and heartfelt thoughts on it. I never thought I’d care that we didn’t have certain things or that I was less put together than other women and here I am, my own little critic, tearing myself down daily when I have so much to be joyful about. Thanks for your openness and on another note, when can we get the kids together to play?

  2. Thanks for sharing this Katie. I share the same struggle and it’s good to read your honest and heartfelt thoughts on it. I never thought I’d care that we didn’t have certain things or that I was less put together than other women and here I am, my own little critic, tearing myself down daily when I have so much to be joyful about. Thanks for your openness and on another note, when can we get the kids together to play?

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