I love him so much it hurts

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I am buzzing from the coffee I’ve had, or just from the love in my heart. But I am excited about giving Josiah his 8th birthday party in a week or so. Ninja everything! Ninja cupcakes, throwing stars, obstacle courses, Asian decorations and food. So fun. I need to get motivated to start making origami ninja stars right now, but I just love looking at silly pictures of me and my boy. Maybe it’s that I miss having a little boy after hanging out with so many nephews this holiday/winter season. Little sneakers, little hoodies, little blue jeans. Little rough n tumblers. I miss it. Now it’s more complicated. Self-esteem, gender differences, tid-bits of aggression, and general eye rolling at mom. I want to bottle up these sweet times of rest and just stay there a while. Because the school work, the attitudes, the gaps in similar interests just make me want to throw in the towel. Sometimes.

Can I just take you, my sweet boy, out into the woods and explore for days?

Can we take a wandering walk through the city and pick up treasures and talk?

Can we read together for an hour or more uninterrupted with no distractions?

Can we make messes with mud and paint and rocks? Can we run until we fall down panting?

Can we bang on Grandpa’s piano and make up songs?

Why does life have to get in the way? Can we just run away from all obligation, temptation and expectation?

I want to just be. your. mom.  I don’t want time to take any part of you away.

Am I being selfish? Idealistic? No, it’s me that wants to change. I see you and I want to keep you to myself.

But instead I must share you.

I make decisions for you, then I want to take them back.

I’m ready for a change, somewhere, somehow. Maybe we do need to go away.

You hold so much of my joy, so I need to enjoy it and remember to find it no matter what.

Joy in your style, your face, your shaggy hair.

Joy in your handwriting, your reading, your ideas. Your songs.

Circumstances will always hold challenges, but joy and love overcome those things.

And Jesus, he hears this Mama’s requests.

My big boy, you will always be my teacher, my mirror, my flint.

Keep growing and I will grow with you.

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2 thoughts on “I love him so much it hurts

  1. What a sweet post! I know what you mean about wanting to keep the sweet, quiet, fun times going but life getting in the way. ((hugs)) from one mama of a boy to another.

  2. Love this Katie. I so identify , maybe it’s the home-schooling mom in me but I love having my kids with me and the freedom it allows. Happy birthday Jos!

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