There is never time to blog. There is barely time to sit and reflect. I’ve felt that there is a need to put thoughts down these days. It seems there is more internal activity in my life than external, and although it isn’t fun sometimes, it is necessary for growth and ultimately faith building.With most days just being me and Tessa, we have some quiet moments. Those times are precious, and I don’t long for times to truck her around to a daycare, pre-school, or parents morning out program. Even though I know she’d love it. We have to keep ourselves industrious though, whether it’s cleaning, groceries, or resting, those are all worthy of planned time. Tessa is approaching three years old and boy to I know it. Three is tough, at least it is for me. But it also is incredibly rewarding, her personality is really fun, and she loves being with me, and her siblings. I was concerned she would grow weary of just being with me, but she likes it, she doesn’t have to share. She finally lets me do her hair in a little spring on the top of her head. She loves dresses, and she has been seen wearing tu-tu’s ever so often because-really-who cares. She’s my little friend. She’s different from Eden, not nearly as shy. And I love that she has a whole different social group from her siblings. Tessa has friends that do not call her “Eden’s little sister”, they are in fact glad to refer to our house as “Tessa’s House”. That gives me joy, because it is likely that Tessa will be our last baby, and the fact that she can be a friend with her siblings and have that social group of her own is wonderful. She’s my sweet blonde bird.
The fall is always a bit bittersweet for me. I have missed my kids terribly while they are at school. But when I think about homeschooling, a wave of complexity washes over my brain and I take a deep breath and I sign them up for school the next year. My insides have been upside down this past month. I have felt stress like never before. And none of it is based in reality, I have been fighting the Enemy, he’s trying to paralyze me with irrational fears. God is working on me daily. Showing me that He is near me in the most trivial of ways. He also has gripped my heart over things that I would stand up to with confidence and think, “God is in control, everything will be alright.” Now I feel these prayer requests so deeply. I cry, a grieve, I get down on my knees. I also have felt the joy of those who have had prayers answered. When all those tears in prayer result in a healing, my heart feels more glad than ever. The stress seems to melt away. Also when I sing. And I have missed singing corporately for so long as we have been without a church home. Now that we meet with a small group and we do sing most of the time, I feel the difference physically. My heart is glad, and my fears fade when I sing at the top of my lungs. We had Our Clothesline Art Show a couple weeks ago. We shook things up and did it at a location (St. Elmo Fire Hall) than in someone’s home. This did alleviate some stress in getting the event ready. We made it more simple this time, and we had some new folks. I really enjoyed all the artist’s work, I thought we had a great assortment of things. I do wish we had had more people show up. I am always thankful that people will pay me for the art I make. I know I will be doing it my whole life. I felt more responsibility this time to make sure the other artists made money. Again, I was feeling anxiety and worry. At one point I had to leave because the anxiety had gotten the better of me. I trucked it up the hill and was ready to have a good cry and feel better when I ran into Juden Green. Juden had been going through health issues and had just gotten a good report from the doctor after going through some pretty miserable procedures. He was at the top of the hill giggling at me as I huffed up the hill. I was wanting to ignore anyone and just be angry. But as soon as I saw Juden, I just had to give God the glory. I felt my stress starting to fall away, and I just did what I know how to do: talk to him. I got to see the rest of Juden’s family and I was able to remind myself that anger and fear is not who I am. I was also able to praise God for good reports, and healing. He really is paying attention.I turned 35 last week. Yeah, I did. It isn’t easy to swallow, I realize their are things that I struggle with as far as vanity and I just have to let it go. I have entered a new stage of life in parenting, and as I look into the future I find myself deciding things that don’t seem as hard as they used to. Entering the work force more, not having more kids, maybe. Taking more responsibility to be available for fellowship gatherings, big ideas that my husband has, options for my kids growth beyond the basics, moving away. It’s a new chapter I feel. I love children, but I’m not the one who pines over having another little one. I want to be that person who gives that longing for children and takes it to the classroom. I want to take it to kids church. I want to get to know other people’s kids and call them my friends. I want to give the moms of young ones a place to come where they can relax and fellowship. I want to listen to Joel’s dreams and ideas and take them in, figure out where it fits in my heart and dialogue about it, without freaking out. I want to think of alternatives for my kids education, and also know that if we do the same old thing, they will do just fine. I love them, and we love Jesus, and that’s a pretty good map to follow. And with all this inner turmoil, I have doubts. I mean, I just turned 35 and I still feel 16 most days. Why am I in charge? Why do I have plan ahead? Can I just relax and not care about tomorrow? There is a point where responsibility and worry cross too often. I have reached that point too many times this fall. How I wish 35 could be the year that I find how to overcome more often. I do feel like there are things I am being taught, humility for one. I look forward to each teaching moment, discomfort is better than just waiting. Come Lord, let your Kingdom come.