The select bits of good.

SP 1, originally uploaded by katiek2.

The past couple days have been harder for me in the self esteem department. I have been feeling lonely. Which seems so stupid when my head gets in the way. But my heart, it’s my heart that feels lonely. Something will just trigger my insecurities and then I shut down. I evaluate all the relationships that surround me and then I feel that none of them are working. I tell myself, “What is wrong with me? I spend time with so many wonderful friends, yet no one is around just when I need them to be!”
I was talking to a friend on the playground yesterday about how blogs, facebook, and photos we share are just slivers of our life. We show the good parts. I wanted to post a really real photo of myself even, but I chose one that wasn’t. But do we really feel like sharing the nitty gritty about the laziness we battle, or the tantrums we live through? Do we really want to show our dirty laundry off to the whole www? Would that just drive more people away?
I have a terrible time reaching out to people and putting myself out there. I have made great progress in that area, hosting something at my house once a week. This is a big deal for me. I have started letting my guard down about spontaneous get-togethers, or asking and offering help. But still, with a house full of beautiful friends, I stay closed. The fertile ground of friendship has to be continually examined for new ways those friendships can survive things like jealously, self-loathing, pride, fear, and agenda.
I have felt that I have missed out on a get together that everyone else is at, but I’m not. I tell myself this is good, I have to work on art anyway, but my heart hurts! I just want to be wanted! What do I have to do to pursue friends correctly? I feel like I’m 16 all over again, waiting for the phone to ring to tell me where everyone is meeting. And that fear of showing up at the basketball game only to find that none of your buds are there. Maybe just your ex-boyfriend (sheesh).
How selfish of me to think “why don’t I get the phone call? What’s wrong with me?” Can’t I think of those who might be feeling the same way? Katie, get over yourself and just be the friend you want. Be that friend.


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