While life happens

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Tonight I break my long blogging silence because I feel I have something to write about, right? That’s how it works. But I need to reflect on things that are more than my everyday hoo-hah. I’ve been feeling the need.
I’m getting older, I’m 36 these days. It’s a bit mind numbing to know that you’re usually not the cutest person in the room, or the most intelligent either, that person who is ten years younger than you is. But you still must keep your bearings about who you are. Your identity. The lines on your face appear. Your tolerance for things wanes. And so it does with all of your friends! Introspection. Setting life goals. Now or never style. There is that itch. It’s here in my house. What are we doing next? When there is no logical next step, we have nothing to say. We just sit in a holding pattern waiting for life to happen. Things happen in your friends life, you’re mad, jealous, confused, lost, empty. I feel like a lonely teenager all over again. That sophomore girl who didn’t go to the prom. “what’s wrong with me? Why didn’t this awesome thing happen to me?” the popular crowd shifts cast members, but it’s always the same characters. They seem to always win, you don’t. Right?
In the end it’s always crap. You have plenty of wins in your life. Fulfillment, that might be what we wish we had. Should I convince myself, my friends and loved ones, that in fact you all are huge winners, and all your complaining is crap. But that doesn’t make the empty go away. It doesn’t break through the drudge of a dull job, an awkward friendship, a busy schedule, responsibilities.
This time of year is even better for working out those things. The little kid in me thinks that I deserve some big
material good that will knock my socks off. The Barbie Dream House, if you will. So when my mom asks me for my Christmas list, I kinda get sad at the start for all those things I want that can’t be bought. I want that perfect gift, and it’s really really hard to find it. Sharing that part of me is painful sometimes, because I love presents, Joel doesn’t. I love to give presents, and Joel doesn’t want stuff. It can be a strange juggle.
This year I’ve also found that my kids need more things during this Christmas season. Shoes, pants, stockings, yada yada. All I want to do is buy them special stuff, instead I’m buying socks. I’m the Mama, the educator, the organizer of life. I just want to give my kiddies something that is wonderful.
This post is unfinished. But for what it says, I will publish it. I think it is important enough to read. As is 3/5/14

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