I enter 2013 with conflict happening in my life. I mean, we all do, but I am really aware of it these days.
I have friends that aren’t getting along. I have had a hard time “loving my neighbor as myself”. I have thought of those who I should be close to and how far away we are. And then, I have the joyful glimmer of those who I have felt the distance of time and space, yet, we are still as close as ever. It wears on me. All these things. But life is still good.
When I am asked “How is homeschooling going?” I say that I am working very hard, but I am relaxed. I am! I enjoy the process. The amazing joy of watching my children learn. I hope I have the pleasure of teaching Tessa how to read. It’s hard, but good.
Conflict is hard. I hate it especially when it is with my spouse. Let’s not kid ourselves, the best marriages weather many many conflicts. From big to small. When you have to share a bed with the one that you are in conflict with, that’s hard. To lay awake in the dark, listening to them breathe, and knowing that as peaceful as it sounds, there is still that icky feeling. God is working on me. I learn to apologize, to self examine, to churn, burn, and then bend. It is good, because I love.
Even though I want answers to all these things that seem too messy to fix, I can move forward. Each day has enough trouble of it’s own. I can thank God for the mess and the motion that conflict brings. I can choose to tame my tongue and be neutral, be a peacemaker. I want to heal all, be all to everyone, but it just can’t happen. Only Jesus can be all. Jesus can bridge, heal, communicate, move, touch, bless, perfect, direct, release, train, comfort, deliver, orchestrate, and love.
I want to be a small, lumpy, ugly, broken vessel that carries a little bit of that. Just the littlest bit. My 2013 will be so good if I can be just that.