Honesty

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Today is hard. My plans and joys seem impossible to grasp. I feel lonely. I feel trapped by my choices, not freed by them. I wonder if my peers are lonely too. I’m guessing they are.
I check social media more times during the day than I care to think about. I’m surrounded by my beautiful kids, but I am lonely. Friends are busy, schedules conflict. I long to be the friend I want, but then I think, “I have nothing to offer”. I haven’t been to the store, we have no firewood, and my house is covered in the days trappings. So frustrating.
I feel I work hard for no reason, what’s the point? I have my life to share, my time, my thoughts. Where are those who also desire that time. Even my husband is overcome with his own struggles and crashes before I even have the time to tell him how I feel. Will a desperate text drive him away? Will a cry on Facebook be scoffed at? Haven’t I felt that before? “why would she post that! How embarrassing.”
I want to be the friend I want to have. It just doesn’t seem to work. Oh lord, what are you trying to tell me? That 12 year old girl sitting by the phone has never gone away. All those inadequate feelings still bubble up.

O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. (Psalm 139:1-6 ESV)

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