There have been a lot of things I have had to do in my life lately. Many, many tasks that seem never ending and impossible to keep up with. All I want is for somebody to help me. But what does that help look like? I must admit, I shift back and forth between passive-agressive, super emotional lady, to flailing my arms around, shouting, insane lady. Neither one of these things get me any help. Go figure. The silent treatment, crying yelling, stomping off in a huff. It don’t work. What am I? On an episode of The Real World? (<–seriously clink on this link for a nostalgic laugh!)
Sometimes I take the high road and I keep working and I ask for help nicely, just like I tell my children to do. I do get help, but it never seems like quite enough. You see I’m looking for help that also acknowledges my struggle and pain. I’m looking for human beings to fill places inside of me that they can’t fill. It’s impossible.
We are all selfish, none of us can live for someone else the way Jesus did. I don’t care how long you have been married, or how romantic your husband is, or even how wonderful of a man he is, he will never love you the way you truly need to be loved. I have had way too many discussions with my husband about how I feel neglected sometimes over this past 15 years. These conversations, although they might have some benefit in the short term, are not the answer. My husband is a really good man, he treats me very well. He is an awesome Papa. He loves Jesus. I have nothing to complain about.
Honestly ladies. Our men work all day, they feel unfulfilled in their work (many of them), they come home from being absent from us all day to the epicenter of stress in the home which is dinner time! I don’t want to complain to my husband as soon as he walks in the door. It might feel good to vent, but its also really mean! I want to bless my husband and give him a place of peace to come home to. But that, is a completely different blog post.
Today, I just want to encourage a different way of thinking. All those empty places and longings, desires for your life to change, those will never be filled by people. Your loving Heavenly Father knows how to love you. Only Jesus who came for his bride knows how to truly fill your lonely places. When I feel empty, and WOW have I felt empty these past few months, I go and talk to the only person who really hears me. He gives me hope, He helps me keep running toward my goal. He reminds me that I am lovable and beautiful. That I am a blessing to the people around me. Only Jesus will do that. And, BTW, He is totally perfect and awesome.
So when I’m feeling needy, I like to turn on some worship music, put in my earbuds and remind myself how amazing my Savior is. It only takes a short while. Filling my ears and heart with worship to realize that I have a wonderful life. Jesus gave it to me. He loves me so well that He saved my life. He loves me so well that He gave me a good man for a husband. He gave me three beautiful children who I get to stay home and educate. And I am learning. He shows me that He gave me an important purpose. He is beginning to teach me how to rest even when I’m very busy and tired. He is showing me that He is my best friend. I have a lot to learn, and I have a lot of healing to do. There’s a lot of things I have stopped hoping for. I have stopped dreaming about things. I know that Jesus, my best friend, will teach me how to do that again. His world is so vast and His love is so big and His knowledge of me is so deep, that how could I not?!
Yesterday I was filled with sadness. I felt like a failure. I felt that others had failed me. I was mad. Things just weren’t turning out the way I wanted them to. I cried and cried. That deep weeping of complete exhaustion, frustration and helplessness. But you know what, I can’t always get what I want, but I can always have Jesus. He is making me less and less. It sucks. But you know what, if I have Jesus, I will have joy. My family will be blessed. And my sacrifice, is worship.
I have also been reading a book (shocker!) by Dutch Sheets called The Power of Hope. It has been the kind of book that is food for the soul, but also the poison for self-pity. Even though the book focuses on your personal struggle, it just keeps bringing it back to Jesus. It’s hard to read sometimes when I want to be selfish. But it is a salve for my hurts and my weariness. Dutch wrote about how God knows what you need to hear, just when you need to hear it.
And then today…
I was just reminded by a complete stranger on Instagram that I’m fighting a good fight. Homeschooling has been tough these first weeks, and she gave me that bit of hope.
“I am a homeschool grad and I want to encourage you that it’s been a tremendous gift to me from my parents! You can do it! #WayToGoMama”
How am I to deny this love? How am I to decide that I can’t keep going. I am so perfectly loved and cared for. I want all the answers, but I will trust and hope in the One who always gives me what I need. See what He has for you.